Don't Touch Me! Darn, Dirty Soul Reaper!
by GrimmAngel
Summary: A BleachPlanet of the Apes crossover. A catastrophic event reshapes the world. A mechanical error brings a warrior into a world that is no longer his own, and a revolution that he cannot stop.
1. Weather is Here, Wish You Were Nice

Disclaimerific: I can't call Bleach or Planet of the Apes mine, but if Youroichi-san wants to call me hers…well, that's fine. P.S. Please don't sue or kneecap me...Thanks

Key:

_Thoughts_

"Speech"

Don't Touch Me! Darn, Dirty Soul Reaper!

(Bleach x Planet of the Apes fic)

Prologue: The Weather is Here…Wish You Were Nice.

Date: 04/22/2420 

An old, yet strong-looking man dressed in a dark suit walked down the street through the bustling streets of Kurakara town. As the man made his way through the streets that had once been home to him and his friends, he encountered a man with messy grey hair and piercing eyes hidden by an almost trademark green and white stripped hat. This man also appeared as though he could be 30 or 40 years the older man's junior. The older man smiled and motioned towards an inviting looking bar.

As the two men sat at a booth, the older-looking man spoke first. "Well, Kiskue-san, you always knew how to be discrete. Good thing too, if **she** knew we were here, she'd have both our asses!"

Urahara Kiskue smiled mysteriously and said, "That's true, even though we do this to honor a mutual friend, she still objects to going into the real world for something as trivial as having a drink." Kiskue continued: "And I see that she still has you on a rather short leash, ne, Kurosaki-soutaichou? "

Kiskue smiled again as he ribbed the now reddening older man. Kurosaki Ichigo, calmer than in his youth, looked as if he were about to begin throwing fists, but then he sat down slowly and heaved a sigh as he replied: "Yeah, well, it's better than sleeping in the office…and you know she'd make me too!"

The men shared a laugh as they both knew the legendary temper of the diminutive lieutenant and wife of Kurosaki Ichigo.

As the first round of drinks came, they became quiet and taped the bottlenecks of their glasses together. They didn't say his name anymore…they'd been doing this so long that they didn't need to. "He said he'd only be gone for a year." Kurosaki-soutaichou thought aloud. Urahara-taichou nodded in acknowledgement, but Kurosaki-Soutaichou began reminiscing, like he usually did on this day. Part of his mind wondered if he was prone to reminiscence because he had died at age 89.

_Rukia and I were standing in the 1st squad office the day he came in and asked for a leave of absence_. _The request was out of the ordinary, to say the least, but we were sure that it would go as planned. Not to mention that he considered it a great honor to be chosen and even though he'd already made his share of history, we couldn't bring ourselves to take the chance away from him. I thank the gods that Rukia and I never had children, we'd have given in to them as surely as we gave into him_.

He had been the first living Gotei 13 captain, and also the first to take a leave of absence to travel faster than light. Of course, Urahara Kisuke had said he'd fill in. No one had told him that there was a captain taking a leave of absence, he just seemed to know, just like he always did.

But that was 120 years ago today, they mused as they sat, drinking beer together. They both knew that after that much time the chances of seeing their friend again were practically zero, so these drinks were to his memory, not the hope of reunion as they had been so many years ago. However, events had just begun that would bring the prodigal 12th squad captain back at the most critical moment. A call rang on Ichigo's Mobile Unit, and he gently pressed a finger to his temple to accept the call.

"Hello, Kurosaki-soutaichou speaking." He said calmly. It was probably his wife. Abari-taichou often dropped his dime just to get a laugh in.

"Soutaichou!" Said the troubled voice of a Seireitei Communications Center operator. "There is a major disturbance on earth! We have reports of massive deaths and now hollows have begun to take advantage of the abundance of wandering spirits!"

Ichigo tensed up and indicated for Kisuke to tap into the call. Kisuke nodded as he placed two fingers on his left temple. Ichigo spoke next. "Alert all captains and lieutenants and have them mobilize their respective squads completely! Give this command the highest priority! We will attempt to gain some information from the earth news services for the next 30 minutes and then we will return to our units. Also, have a small number of soul reapers stand by in the various rukonkai districts to intercept the ryoka that are sure to be arriving! We need to maintain control of the situation, and having mass panic in Soul Society will not help us!"

The SCC operator replied, noticeably relieved by the captain-general's words. "Yes, Sir! Proceeding as instructed, Sir! SCC, out!"

The two men put their drinks down and prepared to go and reconnoiter, but they didn't have to go far. The news suddenly interrupted the live game being displayed on the bar's television set. The rather flustered newscaster looked off-screen and wore a horrified and questioning look on her face. She than began her live report of events that were of interest to people of various importance in both the living world and soul society.

"We now have a breaking report," she began. "…of major Dark-Particle Missile attacks that appear to have been initiated by the United States of America on the nations of the United Islamic Republic, and curiously, Russia. We have received a statement from the U.S. government stating that an unknown person managed to infiltrate a facility containing aging DP-ICBM's and was able to get past the fail-safe devices. At this time we have received reports of retaliatory and pre-emptive launches by Russia, the UIR, and various other nations in support of their respective allies. Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain calm, and remain indoors. This coming time is going to be trying, good luck to you all."

The two captains looked at one another, and shook their heads. It had been the same in Ichigo's time, and his father's time also.

_The only difference between the doomsday of my life, and that of now, is the name of the particular horse._ Ichigo mused.

"Well, Kisuke, let's get back and get things ready. We'll have to have large teams deployed and we had better get back and help organize the teams." Ichigo said after a moment.

Kisuke nodded his agreement and followed Ichigo out of the bar and into the alley to return to soul society. Sometimes, good business was very bad news. And this much business was really bad news; the kind that never left things the same afterwards.

Date: Unknown

_I can't say that I'm too surprised that things went wrong with the flight. _'It'll be simple'_. They said_. 'You'll be back in your classroom talking about faster than light travel in no time!'_ They said. _

A tall man with brown, unruly hair, light skin, and grey eyes hidden behind an antique pair of Oakley sunglasses, sat on an abandoned beach, slumped next to a small pile of supplies, staring at two sets of ownerless dog tags and a strange diamond-shaped badge with a skull on it. He'd always hated performing that rite, it made him sad.

"Simple my ass!" The weary man shouted to no one in particular.

Had he thought to check the time display within the ruined cockpit, he would have undoubtedly started to use more choice words.

The astronaut, clothed in a form-fitting blue atmospheric suit that bore three emblems on it, stood and trudged toward the dense jungle that bordered the beach, dragging a pile of salvaged supplies on a tarp. He did not realize that the American flag and NASA patches he bore had lost their meaning many centuries ago.

Having pitched camp and gathered what he could from the area and the ship, the astronaut decided that it would be best to reconnoiter as quietly as possible and he hid himself within the camouflaged emergency tent, pressed the small badge to his hip, and his soul was forced from his body. His soul was clothed in a black robe with a white great coat that bore a symbol identical to the third symbol on his suit. He walked through the wall of the tent and jumped roughly 20 feet up and on to a branch. He bounded through the tree canopy; he clutched the hilt of his katana firmly out of habit.

As he moved along the dense jungle, he mused.

_I haven't seen hide or hair of a human being in a while…living or dead_.

He began to take stock of what he knew: _I know that this could possibly be earth, or some other planet, I know that the possibility of another habitable planet in the range we were supposed to travel is almost astronomically small (no pun intended). So, earth is the most likely possibility, but how can that be? We had just started the return jump when the computer malfunctioned; I blacked out and awoke in time to brace for the impact. I know that if this is earth, it shouldn't be more than a year since we left, and that this kind of vast, unspoiled land is really rare in 2300 CE._

As he was bounding through the jungle before him, it began to rain heavily. "Fuckin' Great!" He swore under his breath. "At least I had the common sense to get into the tent and close it before using the battle certificate!"

What the Astronaut/Soul Reaper did not realize as he moved through the rain was that the symbol on his great coat, a diamond with black corners that held an equal-armed cross over two horizontal lines, was in danger of following the others he bore into history.

* * *

Author's Notes: 

1. The Planet of the Apes references will come into play later on...I'm just setting the stage right now.

2. The UIR is a fictional nation, composed of Iran and Iraq, from Tom Clancy's "Executive Orders." I was not trying to make a statement in any way in the "who bombed who" portion.

3. I'm really just trying to get a feel for the response to this fiction before I continue it. This is my first fiction, and I would appreciate any constructive criticism.


	2. Deceiving Appearances

Don't Touch Me! Darn, Dirty Soul Reaper!

Chapter 1: Deceiving Appearances

Disclamerific: I do not own Bleach, or Planet of the Apes, and I am not making any money.

Date: Unknown

The rain had been coming down for some time and showed no signs of letting up any time soon. It had been a light drizzle for the past two hours. And it had been a heavy pour before that. There were fewer animals out as a result of the rain. This whole situation was both good and bad for the soul reaper who had spent the last four hours exploring the 15 kilometer radius around his emergency tent and body. It was good that he was able to reconnoiter with minimal time lost to gawking at the strange local fauna, and he was able to begin to formulate a plan of action. It was bad in that he had no idea what kind of creatures he might encounter in his body or how he might go about fighting them, if he had to at all.

The 12th squad captain's mind continued working as he moved through the forest,_ Damn it all! I haven't seen any sort of civilization since I left the shuttle! This is gonna be a problem later when I need to eat. I have no idea if the animal and plant life here is safe for..._

His thoughts were interrupted when the HUD in his replica glasses (modeled after his antiques, naturally) alerted him to the fact that he had now finished covering the 15 km radius from his camp. He then decided to stop and return directly to camp quickly as it was beginning to get darker.

He returned to the emergency tent just as the sun sank behind the canopy of the forest. He surveyed the camp for signs of disturbance and found none. Satisfied that he still had a body to return to, the soul reaper walked through the wall of the tent and lay down on his prone body. When his soul had finished rejoining his body, he dug through the nearest emergency pack and grabbed an MRE pouch.

He grimaced as he read the pouch. "Ugh, simulated lasagna...wonderful. I used to like eating these when I was little, but I don't think I would be able to handle another MRE if I wasn't in a survival situation."

He stared at the pouch for another moment before working himself up to opening it. He poured the individually wrapped 'courses' out onto the floor of the tent and, contemplating the chemical heating pouch, thought: _Damn, as much as I like my processed cheese product hot, water may become scarce soon, and to waste it on something unnecessary would be stupid._

As he began to eat the lasagna from the pouch he shrugged and said: "Oh well, eatin' it cold I guess."

After he finished the single pouch and sealed the trash in an airtight waste bag, he unzipped the top part of the space suit and began sleeping with his arms behind his head. He needed the rest because he planned to hike to the edge of the radius he had explored so that he could explore further. He was too tired to contemplate the thought of what he might do if he encountered intelligent life. He'd wish by this time tomorrow that he had.

Date: Crash plus 1

The soft beep of his suit's chronometer in his ear awoke the Astronaut quickly. He moved very little as he surveyed his surroundings. Before the trip he had been one of those sleepers who shifted around on the bed and awoke in a blur of moving arms and legs. But smashing ones head on the bulkhead of a faster-than-light spacecraft every 'morning' tended to cure that pretty quickly. He sat up softly and zipped up the vest of his atmospheric suit and grabbed the pack of MRE crackers and peanut butter to eat. As he chewed on a cracker, he pulled the heating tab on the self-heating coffee can that came with his simulated meal. He took a sip to wash down the cracker and thought:

_There are some things that just can't be screwed up…coffee is one of them…what's the saying? _He shrugged to himself, _something about how even when it's bad, it's good? Well, whatever._

When he had finished eating, he began stuffing what he could into his makeshift hiking pack. He verbally checked off his list as he did so. "Okay, here we go; Food: 10 MRE pouches, Water: four 2-liter bottles secured to the sides, Shelter: the collapsed tent, that should fit on the pack frame, First Aid: the bare bones of the shuttle kit, Defense: one .45 ACP pistol, 4 full clips, and another 300 rounds. Well that's about it."

Having satisfied himself that he had what he needed, he left the rest hidden under a shrub incase he should come back. The then hefted the pack and grimaced. _This damn pack got heavy quick! Well, can't be helped I guess. It'll lighten up as I start using stuff. It's time to go_

And with that he set off to the perimeter of the area he had explored the previous day. He found that the going was slow. What had been a quick hop in his spirit form was proving to be ridiculously hard in his body. Not only did he have to contend with the pack, but he had to deal with all the under brush the forest had. _What I wouldn't kill for a machete! 'Dr. Livingstone, I presume.'_

He chuckled at his blight and his random thoughts as he walked. Time passed and soon the sky was turning brilliant reds, oranges, and purples as the sun set. He stopped in a clearing and dropped the pack. His suit told him that he had fallen short of his distance goal by about three miles.

"Well, I guess that's understandable, given how hard it was to travel. I should make camp here and go reconnoiter again tomorrow." He said as he began pitching his camp.

It was a few minutes into his work that he heard it, the distinctive howl of a hollow. That strange mix of anguish, need and hatred always seemed to chill the soul. "If a hollow is here, then there has to be people, hollows don't hunt animals! The people are first priority!"

The man pressed the battle certificate to his hip and shot into the air. The deeper implications of the hollows existence did not come to the captain as he was firmly focused on the protection of any innocents in the hollow's path. After about two minutes of almost constant shunpo, he reached the location of the hollow. The hollow towered over the huddled figure of its intended victim. The hollow resembled a gorilla, but was black with two green stripes that ran down its back. Its mask bore green scar-like marks on each cheek and was nose-less and had two large horns that swept back from its forehead.

The captain whistled loudly to get the hollow's attention. "Yeah, that's right! Over here, fuck-head! This just ain't your luck day! Come on!' He shouted

He drew his soul slayer and dashed in to fight, and as he swung the blade around to cut the mask, the hollow put a massive forearm up and deflected the blade. As the captain kicked off and away, the hollow gloated: "Hehehehe…No silly human can cut me! I have eaten dozens of you, and other apes as well!"

The captain noted his words but put them aside for later analysis. For the moment he grinned and spoke: "Well then, I guess I get to have fun after all! WEAR AWAY THE ANCIENT EARTH! KAZEHIME!"

As he spoke, he slammed his scabbard to the hilt of his soul slayer much like his friend Ikkaku, and his blade bend in a flash of light. When the light cleared away, he held a menacing-looking scythe with a 6 foot long straight shaft. He then rushed in and with one deft move, he flash-stepped behind his opponent and buried the scythe edge in the hollow's head for a second before it carried through and the hollow disintegrated.

"What a weakling," He spat. "All that big talk was nothing. He didn't even last for a second!"

He sealed Kazehime as he walked to the huddled person, who did not appear to be hurt at all. As he turned to leave, he heard some rustling. Then a soft voice stopped him cold. "Excuse me, are you a Sender? Am I dead?" The voice became worried, "I don't want to die, Mr. Sender! Please let me live!"

Ordinarily the captain would have walked away, but he was always kind to children. That was part of what had made him a good teacher. He turned to face the small child and stopped for a second. What he saw blew his mind. A small monkey looked at him with worried eyes. Moreover, there was no chain of fate! That meant that this little monkey had a very high spirit pressure!

"Can you see me, little one?' The captain asked softly.

"Yes sir, I can. Am I going to die?" The boy replied.

"No, you're not going to die, you're okay. How do you know what I am?" The captain asked as he smiled.

"I spoke to the last one who was here, but the monster ate him too…I really liked that one." The little monkey sniffed.

The captain through for a moment: _So there are other Soul Reapers here…but how on earth did a hollow that powerful just come into being. And, wait! If there are Reapers, there has to be a soul society! I should put a call in!_

The young monkey interrupted the captain's thoughts. "Mr. Sender? What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing, I just have to call my home base." He said. "Go sit over there on for me, okay?" He pointed to a tree stump as the monkey moved towards it.

The captain placed a finger on his temple and spoke, "Vagabond calling SCC, come in SCC! Repeat! Vagabond calling SCC, over!"

"SCC here, reading you. Unknown person, please identify yourself. Call sign 'Vagabond' is not in use." Came the reply

"What the hell! Look in the 'dispatched units' book!"

"I have sir, but the call sign is listed as retired. Please identify yourself."

"This is the 12th squad captain Alexander Kosa speaking!"

"I'm sorry, but the 12th squad captain is Urahara-taichou." The SCC operator replied again.

"Damn it all! Get me Kurosaki-soutaichou! Tell him that Vagabond is calling."

"I don't think…"

"Get to it!" the captain interrupted angrily.

"Yes, Sir." The now flustered SCC operator responded.

_  
I'll probably be on hold for a while as that greenhorn gets the captain general on the line for me. He might even be bumping the request up the line rather than going straight to Kurosaki-soutaichou. I have a few minutes, at least. I think I'll talk to that little monkey for a minute. _The captain thought after he heard the line switch to holding.

The captain walked to the little monkey and smiled kindly as he spoke. "Tell me, little one, how do you know how to speak?"

The child replied, "I just do. My parents taught me. How did you change your sword, Mr. Sender?"

"That? Oh! Well, lots of practice, and talking with my sword." The captain said.

The captain could see that he was not going to get any major questions answered by this child, and he was sure it was now safe, so he turned to leave and said: "Now be good, and run on home. And be careful, okay?"

The child nodded and began bounding home as the captain began to head back to his body, traveling on the forest canopy as he went. Roughly halfway to his body, the mobile unit chirped and he stopped on a branch, touching his index finger to his ear.

"Kosa-taichou speaking." He said.

"This is Kurosaki-soutaichou, Please confirm your call sign." The radio replied.

"This is call sign Vagabond, reporting in from a leave of absence. Repeat, this is call sign Vagabond."

"Call sign Vagabond confirmed. Kosa-Kun, welcome back! It's good to hear you! It's been such a long time! I would like to have you come and make a report." Ichigo said with more elation that Kosa-taichou could understand.

"Understood, I will need either a gate or a couple of soul reapers to guard my body, as I do not believe leaving my body in the jungle would be a good idea." Kosa-taichou spoke.

"Prudent as you always were…hahaha! There is a permanent gate some ways from your current location, near an ape village. We can have it ready to activate shortly. Collect your body, and get to the gate as soon as possible." The commander general said.

"Understood, Soutaichou. Kosa-taichou, out."

Kosa-taichou looked about after the conversation ended and saw that the light had left him, but he figured that it would not be an issue and flash-stepped to his body. Once there, he shouldered the pack and slung his body over his right shoulder and began flash-stepping to the point his glasses told him the gate was. Once there, he radioed in, and a few minutes later he watched the gate open and he stepped into the light beyond.

* * *

Author's Notes: 

1. Thanks to those of you who are taking the time to read my story. I would also appreciate any reviews, I would love to hear and comments or suggestions!

2. I will try and update every month to month and a half, but as the school year goes on, well, no promises around finals time...lol ; .

3. About his glasses, being part of the science division, he made them (modeled after the Oakley 'M-Frame' don't own oakley brand either), and they have numerous functions as well as being able to download information when allowed onto the Soul Society Network (which they wern't until after the conversation with Ichigo).

4. The spacing may seem a little odd, but FF doesn't seem to like 'tab' so I use spaces insteat to hopefully make reading easier on the eyes. not to mention that I'm too lazy to tab the chapters using code...forget that!


	3. While You Were Out

Disclaimer (For Great Justice): blah, blah, don't own Bleach; don't own Planet of the Apes, definitely not making any money T-T…

Grimm: Hello, Hiraga-san, thanks for coming to help me introduce the chapter. And let me say, that I really love your series.

Saito: Thank you and it's great to be here. (whispers) It gave me a break from Louise and her laundry.

Grimm: "True, but who would want a break from that girl Kirche?"

Saito: "You have no idea."

Far-off Voice: YOU DOG!!! YOU SNAPPED THE ELASTIC AGAIN!

Saito: looks around nervously Well, it's about time that I got going…Oh! Welcome, Reader, to the second chapter of Don't Touch Me! Darn, Dirty Soul Reaper! sprints off desperately See you, Grimm!

Grimm: …sweatdrop "Yeah…later."

Don't Touch Me! Darn, Dirty Soul Reaper!

Chapter 2: While You Were Out.

Stepping through the soul gate, Kosa-taichou blinked as he was greeted with a number of familiar faces. Before him stood the 1st squad captain and lieutenant, Kurosaki Ichigo and Rukia, as well as the 11th squad's Zaraki Kenpachi and Kusajishi Yachiru, who to Kosa-taichou's surprise, looked much older than he remembered. Also present were 4th squad captain Inoue Orihime, 6th squad captain Abari Renji, 13th squad captain Sado "Chad" Yasutoura, and interim 12th squad captain Urahara Kisuke. As glad as he was to see his friends again, however, business came first. Kosa snapped to attention and saluted Kurosaki-soutaichou and said: "12th squad captain Alexander Kosa reporting in from leave of absence, Sir!"

The Kurosakis, knowing him as they did, returned the salute before smiling. Ichigo spoke first "It is very good to have you back, Kosa-kun. It has been quite a long time."

Smiling wearily, Kosa-taichou replied: "Thank you for the warm welcome. I have to admit that I am rather confused for number of reasons, not the least of which is the talking apes. Exactly how long has it been, Ichigo-san?"

The gathered officers traded a rather sullen look, except the 11th squad captain, who simply snorted. "You have actually been gone for 2700 years. If the old calendar system was still being used on earth, it would be about the year 5000."

Kosa replied calmly: "Sir, I have to admit that I find that rather far fetched, but given what I have seen and heard in the last couple days, I'm willing to keep an open mind."

Ichigo nodded, and was about to speak when his wife spoke tersely: "Ichigo. We should go inside. Kosa-kun is probably tired."

Kosa laughed heartily as he looked at everyone, "Well, it's nice to see that some things don't change!" Turning to Kenpachi, he spoke, "Don't worry, I haven't forgotten the drink I owe you from that last ass-kicking that you handed me. But I hope your wallet's fat, 'cause you're buyin' next time!"

Yachiru hopped up and sat on Kenpachi's left shoulder precariously and spoke. "Lexa-chan, if you want to play with Ken-chan, you need to schedule an appointment!"

Kosa cleared his throat as he thought, _'Lexa-chan?' Appointment? Man, I guess that she's still Yachiru, even though she looks much more ahem mature._

"Oh! Well, it looks like business will be picking for you Orihime-chan!" Urahara seemed to sing in his distinct voice as he snapped open his paper fan.

At the same moment, Renji turned to Orihime and, closing the distance between them slightly, spoke. "Great, he's in Soul Society for all of ten minutes and he's already gonna end up in your clinic." Orihime replied, "Well, you can't blame him, or us, for being in such a mood right now. This is a very happy moment. More than we've been used to seeing lately."

Chad simply looked on and took in the scene, as he did with most social gatherings. Even after thousands of years, the man only spoke when he had something important to say.

Rukia turned to the gathered soul reapers and said in an irritated voice, "Are we going inside so that we can get started or what? Besides, I have some new markers that I need to break in." The group nodded together and began walking toward Seireitei, chatting and discussing the drawing skill of the 1st squad lieutenant as they went.

As Alexander walked with Ichigo and the others to the 1st squad offices, he reminisced a bit about all the time he seemed to have spent on this particular side of existence. As thoughts that seemed no more than a year old to him swam in his mind, he was floored when he thought of how the others must feel, having practically buried him, and now, thousands of years later, meeting again, with no rhyme or reason at all. It was then that the weight of those thoughts fell on him, pressing painfully against his heart.

_All those people I know, everything that I loved and built is gone, buried by thousands of years of time and history. My co-workers and students at the school, my family, my wife and child; they're all gone. Chance is a painful thing. And what is even harder to bear is that despite all my power and ability, I am powerless against the flow of time. Did they live well? What did they accomplish? Were they healthy and happy? Why did my daughter have to grow without a father? Did she find love? Who gave her away at her wedding?_ A gentle hand on his shoulder freed him from the endless barrage of questions that tortured his mind.

Orihime smiled, and removed her hand before speaking, "You know Kosa-Kun", she said, seeming to read his mind, "it might be hard to accept, but sometimes there is no 'why,' all you have to do is keep moving. We soul-reapers are quite separate from the flow of human time and you simply hadn't had a chance to learn that lesson yet. Give it time."

Chad simply nodded and grunted. He too understood the point that Orihime was trying to make.

Kenpachi spat. "What's with that look? You better get your shit straight or I'll kill you when we fight! That is if I even let you fight me…with a look like that, I don't know if you'd be any fun at all!"

Kosa began releasing reiatsu wildly, genuinely enraged. Kenpachi grinned madly, and licked his lips. Then just before stepping in to begin the attack, Kosa's face took on an understanding look, and then a self confident grin that bordered on a sneer, as the light bulb in his mind lit up. "Well, it'd be unsightly for me to fight you here, so I'll wait, but you better prepare yourself, or I will kill you."

"I'm lookin' forward to it, kid!" Kenpachi said as his hand went back to his belt. The group resumed walking after breathing a collective sigh. Yachiru smiled to herself. _It looks like Ken-chan and Lexa-chan are really having fun now! It's been a long time since Ken-chan has had a smile like that on his face, especially since Ichi won't play anymore._

Ichigo was the first to speak: "Geez, I remember when you used to chase me around like that…I got some of my better workouts running through Soul Society to keep from ending up in the hospital!" He laughed as he reminisced.

"Well, if ya miss it so much, maybe I'll hafta pay ya a visit!" Kenpachi said loudly, visibly excited.

"I'll pass." Ichigo said dryly. "Maybe when things are all done with, but for now I'll leave that to you and Kosa-Kun. It'll be important for him to get up to speed."

As they approached the doors to the 1st squad office, Rukia threw them open, walked to the desk and began rummaging around as she spoke. "That's enough business for now! It can wait. We have more important things to talk about." Her voice lowered slightly as she considered her options, "should I use the pastel markers or my new felt-tips?"

Ichigo placed a hand on her head and ruffled her hair in mock irritation. "Just hurry it up! It's not like any of them are going to make your drawings look better." Rukia's reaction seemed to occur in phases to the gathered onlookers: first she stared in shock, as if such blasphemy could not have come from Ichigo's mouth. Then came a righteous fury that sent a chill through every aware spine in the room, and finally, a resignation seemed to set in; if her husband could not understand the magnitude and importance of her decision, then he must be educated.

As the danger finally dawned on Ichigo, the others watched the drama, already aware that his fate was sealed. The kick came in incredibly fast and connected with the side of his head violently. He was sent sailing across the room and he landed in a heap behind his desk. The other captains, excluding Kosa (who had not personally seen the captain-general in battle), wondered if there was a small masochistic streak in Ichigo. He seemed invincible in battle. He had personally struck down some of the fiercest enemies Soul Society had ever faced, and was easily 20 or 30 times faster and more powerful than his wife, and yet, like clockwork, he was beaten down by her weekly over quips about her drawing ability or her "difficult personality."

As Ichigo collected himself and walked back to the now seated group of captains, Rukia selected a felt tip marker and began drawing. As she was drawing, Ichigo walked up and sat beside her, and taking a cue from the drawing that was forming on the page, began by saying "Maybe it's best to start from the beginning, when the faster than light mission 'Hermes,' was lost."

Next Time on "Don't Touch Me! Darn, Dirty Soul Reaper!"

Chapter 3: Life, Love, and the Ethereal Speed Record!. (It's not Bleach without a flashback!)

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Author's Notes:

Well, first, let me apologize to the people who were waiting for an update, I realize that it has been a while. It was a huge case of life getting in the way of plans. I had everything from major injuries(broken leg/ankle from wrestling) and accompanying surgeries (2 at last count), to 400 level science classes and nightly average sleep of about 3 hrs. So needless to say, it was a pretty interesting year. But I have not left the story idle, I have been working up some ideas for the progression of the story, some of which I'll outline here, but not all of them, because that wouldn't be any fun.

In Bleach, the actual number of soul reapers is not significantly touched on, mostly, I imagine, because the average soul reaper is little more than support or fodder for the major characters. Also, the structure of the squads beyond the top ten seats is also left for interpretation for much the same reason. So this posed a challenge for me because I want to make the average soul reaper as much the star in this drama as Kosa or Rukia or Ichigo. So I have been in the process of coming up with reasonable numbers for the Soul Society ranks (keeping in mind that they operate pretty independently and are the definite underdog here). This number, I feel is best set at about 3-5 thousand with all squads accounted for. The command structure is largely based on the US military structure (because I am most familiar with that structure), though I did take some liberty to accommodate the different rank names and situations unique to the Bleach world. In squads 2-13, the captain acts as a field commander, with the second seat being their XO, the seats from 1-10 are then commanders of their own smaller units, with another reaper ( most likely seat 11-20) acting as their 2nd and so on. Squad one is different as Ichigo is the Gotei 13's General, with Rukia acting, in effect, as the field commander of the 1st squad with a rank similar to captains 2-13.

It is my hope to portray a war on a wide scale, with multiple factions, each as fleshed out in ideology, strength and, eventually, agenda, as Soul Society. This said, I don't want the personal stories and interactions to get lost in the process, so I hope to be able to portray both aspects equally well. Another benefit to this kind of story is that I get to completely ignore conventional strategy, because, as the players are (mostly) supernatural beings, the rules of mortal beings don't apply!

Well thanks again to those of you who reviewed, and those who took the time to take a peak at my little yarn. I would love to hear from anyone who has a comment or question, also, if I happen to make a mistake, let me know, and I'll do my best to meet your expectations.


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